So yeah, this will be the last post where I cry about my fav human being aka sis
Oh yeah, I was just thinking all about this during homily at church.
We have decided to patch up and she said she will manage to call and I have been sending small messages to let her know that she is on my mind or I still care about her.
One thing I believe is that she chose to do things or not do things even after knowing that it will hurt me. And I don’t have anyone in my life to hurt me knowingly. I don’t want people in my like who are okay with hurting me. I ain’t that strong when it comes to my loved ones.
I’ll fight for them till death but they can easily kill me. And it’s the strong trust that they will not hurt and they do care for me and love, that makes me a good friend, brother, uncle and all. I want relationships where I want to give it all.
So I think thats sorted! I am not gonna talk about this to anyone. Will let my sister know if she really asks me directly. I don’t think we will have such a conversation. I think we’ll try to talk and then both of us will slowly drift away and I am cool with that.
There are 2 versions of her in my life
One version where she was not okay if I am not okay. She was the best friend, sister or confidante anyone could ask for.
Another version where she was just a bad bitch, where she did what she felt like doing and nothing really mattered. She was just stone cold.
But now I start to wonder in the good phase if she felt the same about me, may be not. I think she decided to keep her sadness to herself and which prevented her from really trusting people and all prevented her friends from getting close. It could be possible that she wasn’t that happy when she was making me the happiest person ever.
I think I let people keep their guard up if they want to. I thought, I was protecting their privacy or wish. But I should communicate the same. hey you can tell me everything if you want to, I’ll be there for you. And I need to do more for people I love. Alien once offered to feed me everyday, it was too much that I had to say no
Well, I am a good human being and I care for people around me and I’ll care the same way for my Alien when I feel like she needs it or she asks for it. But I need to live a happy life without her cause She is very happy without me in her life . And my vishamams doesn’t matter to her. It’s not like ‘It’s not okay, if you are not okay anymore’.
And if we ever need to be friends like that again then I need to start trusting her and for that she needs to really be there for me even if I don’t want to. This time it will be much harder than last time.
I used to spend all my time in Kochi whenever she was in the city, skipping the cold times in Roorkee, The multiple north India trips and instead of spending time with my family. She was my favourite family. But then she doesn’t even want to find time and space to talk.
Well, people change and more importantly what we mean to people and what people mean to us change. That’s life 🙂
Update 21st Dec, yaay my sister is getting married today and it’s a destination wedding pretty small affair at least from bride’s side. It amazes me on how she is able to love the ones around her even if she is not okay. How she manages to handle everything with so much thoughts inside her. It’s cool. She continues to amaze me. I wish she has a happy life ahead.
I have been fighting a lot with her and all this time it felt that she was no reciprocating back or not even slightly getting affected by the fights and it did hurt. I would be fighting when I was heartbroken and I expect close people to be sad when I am hurt. She was a bit hurt when I was fighting with her last time, I guess she was understanding a bit. The point she said was she was not okay and she needed to take care of herself and that’s why she neglected me. I agree with prioritising yourself but you need to let people know about that.
Also we have promised to be there for each other till the end and what I have hoped for is a sibling, who’s there for you when you need them the most and together facing the challenges or hard times of life. People get closer when they go through tough times right.
Anyways, when I was going to take a break of 2 years till I was 30 for prioritising myself she was like I should be there when she needs me. And I was like cool 🙂 I should be there when she needs me. I don’t really think she will need me. I am planning to wish her on her 30th bday. There is all that chance that she might not pick up the call or I may not mean. anything to her. Let’s see…..
Anyways let’s see. Lots of things to focus in mean time. But yeah she was the best friend I have ever had and I tried to be the same to her. It sucks that we couldn’t be the best friends to each other always.
I am good now and it seems the she is good ad long as I don’t fight and just play along 🙂
I miss loving people unconditionally!