When the happiest of times scares you

I had gone to sleep early tonight and I couldn’t. I was thinking about a future event 8 months from now and all the ways it would be a bad memory for me and what is the best way of dealing with it.

So my best friend is getting married in April, and I am seriously planning on leaving the country for the whole month! People will be like what kind of a person are you!! Well, it’s just that I am not really close with my college gang now and there were like real family to me. So the current scenario really hurts me and so far how I have tried to move forward is by staying away from memories and moving away from people. The bride is a girl who has been there for me in many times when I needed someone really. I do really care for her and I am happy for her. I had always wished that she would find all the happiness for the rest of her life. And I am happy that she found someone she loves and she is getting married to him.

It is just that I don’t see anyone being that excited to see me there or wanting to spend time with me. I do feel so and it may be just my feeling but I believe that I shouldn’t be feeling so. Well, I had always and even now wanted to be in touch but we aren’t now. Seems like my friends have many things going on and people around all the time. They were my people I used to call up when I felt sad or lonely and I just don’t feel like calling them now. They don’t respond to texts as they see or respond way later or never. It kinda hurts when I am in a hurry to see their text or reply

Just putting across some scenarios I had in my mind, I’ll be coming alone from home and we will meet there and I’ll be going back sad. Well earlier, we would have discussed on when to go and stuff. All these are signs confirming that things have changed and I hate to believe it.

All I have is stupid images I have thought off which can be hurtful to me and I don’t want me to go through that. Like me coming to the city to spend time with friends and them having different plans or not having time for me. It can happen. Another scenario is that I’ll be meeting my friends after ages and I really want to spend quality time together like just us and they might just hang out with the ones they have been with all throughout the year. So I’ll be like nobody wants to spend time with me. I want to spend time with people one on one especially when meeting after ages! And it didn’t happen last time and I so really wanted it to happen. Another thing is that after functions, earlier they will ask me to stay there and I go citing comfort and stuff. But now since I feel that we aren’t that close or since other people are there. It will be like, nee aunty avide povalle? That can happen

Another scenario is that, they will be making plans together like everything for all the days and probably just assume that I’ll be busy and go ahead. Like I used to be considered back then and it meant a lot and now it kinda hurts to be not considered at all

Even I feel like telling me to grow UPPP! but you know they whole thing can be a really sad thing for me . Making me realise the reality and I just not wanna be there

Basically what I want is a glimpse of how things were in college and it might be way way different and I don’t want that. What are some things that will make me go ? So there are 32 weekends left and I had recently started calls every weekend so at least 20 calls. Count the calls man! All of us going on a trip when everyone comes together! People calling once a while and video calling on my birthday.

I think they would they have consider me as a good friend, it’s just that they have other people to talk to and stuff so they don’t miss me. For me the priority is them and for them its everything else so yeah it kinda hurts

So what happens if I don’t go, the bride might not talk to me. Well she ain’t talking nowadays and I certainly don’t expect her to in the future. My dear buddy might take it personnel and move away from me. That would be bad but I really value that friendship but he needs to grow up and understand. But it’s very difficult for people to understand unless they have experienced it.

Ideally what I want the wedding is to be like a turning point and that we get closer after that if it ain’t gonna happen I don’t wanna go. I am going to make all efforts to get closer to people before the wedding! Else it would be a sad experience for me. Well I don’t expect them to come to my wedding anyways so it’s all good.

In short I am not gonna go unless, I am excited and we make plans together so and so.

So now let’s see I am proactive enough to put plans in place. I am planning to go to Canada, can see quite a few folks! or go some place not hot. I am really planning to go outside India for my birthday, either Vietnam or Singapore!